In Cuba, the situation has reached a limit where, as my mother says, people have lost their love for life and their respect for death. To start with, the bureaucratic system we live in makes a funeral in Cuba the most depressing thing imaginable. You only have 24 hours to gather the family, hold a funeral, and bury the deceased.
After Pope John Paul II visited the island, more people started having a service at the cemetery church shortly before the burial. It’s always very short, because the priest has so many funeral sermons to deliver; I suspect that, except for the name, nothing changes in his speech. The ugliest building in Cuba is the funeral home, with its several lounges and walls of gray, cold marble. Each lounge is equipped with aluminum and plastic rocking chairs—the most uncomfortable furniture on which to sit and cry for your beloved dead.
What's worse is that during the 24 hours you're there, trying to accept reality, all kinds of people come to visit. This is especially true of the curious, and the relatives who never gave the deceased a thought while they were alive. Every funeral features a tearful mourner who stands in front of the casket, peering through the glass and shouting: "Ouch! Unfortunately that! So young! He was a good person! Look, he looks like he's asleep! It's like he's going to wake up at any moment!" Or the typical cry: "Why? Why? Why did you do this?" Fortunately, someone always appears to control the hysterical crier. I’ve come to believe someone pays them to put on a show.
But that's not the worst part. The wake becomes a hub for gossip. People watch from the corners, whispering to everyone in the room: "Oh, did you see how emaciated the deceased was? The widow(er) hasn’t shed a tear. Girl, I heard she/he already has someone... What’s the future of those children? A step-parent is never good..." And they will tell ten thousand versions of how the person died. For you to have an idea, these rooms have better acoustics than the national theater. How many times does the family have to hear that cold phrase, "I'm so sorry"? Sometimes I’ve asked them, "What are you sorry for?"
At the cemetery, the gravediggers are in such a rush to place the pitiful coffin that they often don't even wait for the whole family to gather around. They almost slam the cold cement lid on our noses. Nobody says a word about the person who just passed away. People turn around and walk away, like zombies, returning to their routine of survival. The widow, mother, and children return home to mourn silently against the wall.
After that experience, you can imagine that I don't do very well at funerals. But when it comes to accompanying a friend in their loss, what can we do? To my surprise, the first service I attended in the U.S. was in a church. The family placed photos of their mother at different stages of her life at the entrance; all the shots were beautiful. They had a guestbook for visitors to sign and an album filled with photos from her last birthday party. From the hallway, I could hear the piano. In the center of the church, the coffin looked like a music box, with a beautiful bouquet of white lilies above. The place could not have been more welcoming.
When the service began, I swear I felt like I was on a Hollywood set; I had only ever seen something so special and perfect in a romantic comedy. The family walked in to the singing of the choir, and I joined in, humming because I didn't know the lyrics. After the pastor’s first sermon, a chorus of bells rang out. I closed my eyes and saw butterflies in my mind; everything was peaceful, like a garden where the tinkling bells were produced by the flutter of millions of colorful wings. Then followed a prayer—if I remember correctly, 1 Corinthians 13, one of my favorite Bible verses.
The nicest thing about this funeral—I would name it something else, because "service" doesn't feel like the right word—was seeing the whole family together. Diversity filled the room: children, spouses, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Their outfits couldn't have been more elegant or respectful. It reminded me of one of those films I watched many times because I was so impressed by it: The Godfather. But in this case, there was no Mafia; it was just time, memories, and a beloved mother. They prepared everything in great detail: the music she preferred, stories about all the wonderful things she planted within them. They said, "Thank you, Mom," and sang in chorus, accompanied by a violin. There were tears and laughter, and the pastor's final words were honest and simple—even for those like me who hadn't had the opportunity to meet the person we were saying goodbye to.
Each of the children took a white lily and walked behind the pallbearers. The guests followed. A line of cars formed, police stopped traffic, and we all arrived together at the cemetery, where there was a tent and chairs set out on a green carpet. After a short prayer, the lilies were placed on the casket, and there were hugs and tears. We were able to talk to the family and tell them how beautiful their mother's farewell was. They gathered together to celebrate her life. We walked to our car with other friends after watching the family depart. That night, I toasted to my lost friends and family in Cuba with a martini and tears of great relief.